Those Audits by HR

Here’s a nugget of truth you won’t find in your shiny welcome kit, right between the “Vision Statement” and the “Diversity Pledge”:

.. Audits are not about improvement.

They’re not even about compliance. Or culture. Or even that PowerPoint you slaved over for two weeks that no one read. Audits are about one thing ... control. The polite, polished, spreadsheeted version of imperialism.

You see, every multinational company (or MNC, as we lovingly abbreviate this global madness) brings its own brand of colonial hangover. If it’s a German company .. prepare for order, structure, and sausages at the cafeteria. French? Expect perfume and passive-aggressiveness. Japanese? Respect. Bowing. And 300-slide decks. Korean? Hierarchy so tall it needs oxygen masks. The Dutch? Honest to the point of trauma. And Chinese? Efficiency so terrifying it makes your coffee evaporate.

These folks don’t just fly in on business class. They land in corner offices, spread across meeting rooms like butter on paratta, and slowly .. gently .. begin to run the show.

But India, oh India! India isn’t a country, my dear .. it’s a full-blown, high-definition, surround-sound chaos simulator. A glorious mess where traffic lights are suggestions and time is a vague rumour. You can’t manage this circus with spreadsheets and sushi rolls.

To run an operations here, you need Indians. Not the suit-wearing, Anglicized ones who think “chai” is some latte flavour. Real Indians. People who’ve survived Indian weddings, Delhi summers, and Bangalore level traffic.

And yet, while desis lead departments, fight fires, and make things work with duct tape and jugaad ... the actual power? Still with the expats. Still with that man from Hamburg who’s allergic to green chilli and says “too spicy” even to black pepper. Still with that woman from Toronto who thinks India is one big Holi party with elephants.

So they sit on thrones of entitlement, and when things feel too 'messy,' they summon the Holy Audit. From Tokyo. From Paris. From Beijing. Neutral suits with tighter ties than smiles.

They come armed with notepads and fake empathy.

They nod. They listen.

They ask if you’re happy.

Are you proud of the company?

Is the leadership fair? Are you being treated well?

Do you feel respected, heard, safe?

And just when you’re lulled into their web of kindness, they pounce:

“Is your boss too rude?”

“Is there bias?”

“Are the expats dominating?”

They offer a coffee mug with the company logo, like a bribe from a spy thriller.

They swear it’s confidential. “Just between us,” they say, leaning in with the enthusiasm of a king cobra about to strike.

So, some of us speak. We whisper truths we’ve buried. We tell them about the bullying. The casual racism. The fact that you were passed over for promotion because you weren’t born near a castle or can’t pronounce ‘hors d’oeuvres.’

And it all goes into their little black books. Neatly filed. Right next to “How to Fire Someone Without Saying You’re Firing Them.”

Then comes the silence.

But don’t get too comfortable. That silence? It’s just the sound of daggers being sharpened behind the pantry. Soon your emails get ghosted. Your ideas ignored.

You’re no longer “an asset” ... you’re a “risk.”

Your colleagues look at you like are that regular, that one that left shit stains at the office lavatory, after flushing one hundred times. Suddenly, your career has more potholes than a Mumbai monsoon road.

Why? Because nothing is confidential.

The audit report leaks faster than office gossip.

The expats? Oh, they know. They always know. Their tentacles stretch from the boardroom to Mr. Chaiwala outside. By the time you realize what happened, it’s too late. You’re being slowly, beautifully, bureaucratically erased.

So, the next time you see the Audit Avengers walking in .. polite smiles, corporate swag, and awkward small talk .. remember this:

You are not being heard. You are being profiled.

It’s not an audit. It’s a safari. And you, oh friend, are the exotic animal being observed.

Smile wide. Nod politely. And whatever you do .. don’t speak your truth.

Write it anonymously on shady websites like the rest of us.