A Gentleman's guide to not doing it.

Thursday.

A crisp October morning here in Doha, the sort of morning that makes one feel vaguely optimistic about life as you look forward to that weekend, until one remembers the existence of some coworkers. I’m talking of the sort who borrow your stapler and return it with a mysterious stickiness, or who pronounce “GIF” with a hard ‘Ggh’ and then look smug about it.

Today, however, is no ordinary day. No, guys .. today is “World Slap Your Coworker Day”.. invented, presumably, by someone who once sat next to Steve, the office advice dispenser, and finally snapped after the 49th unsolicited opinion on investing in cryptocurrency.

Uh .. h o l d.

Before you clutch your pearls or that ergonomic mouse, let us be clear .. this is not a day for actual violence. Its more of a day for imagined violence, the sort that dances merrily through the mind like a chorus girl in a musical revue. You are the screenwriter, director, videographer .. all in one.

A decade ago, my previous employer, an advertising agency, had many a such characters. Funny bunch I must say. Picture an office floor abuzz, copywriters and editors shouting, the spectacled accounts seniors pleading with clients, the coffee machine gurgles ominously, and there’s Nemo from the sales department, explaining for the third time how his fantasy football team is ‘basically a metaphor for leadership.’

You eye Nemo. Nemo eyes his light-coffee, double caramel, hint of salt, tears of his deskmates, lite skimmed almond latte. You imagine slapping him, not .. that hard, just enough to rearrange his chakras. But alas, Nemo sports a lanyard with “Best Sales of the Month” on it, and you are reminded that he’s 20 years your senior, He’s been there, done it, a veteran, while you were in your pampers. And minus his frequent fantasy football allegories .. there’s a reason his words are taken in high regard and respect.

Upstairs, Penny from Design has once again decided to have her way with the pitch deck, than use the clients brand guidelines. Now you have to re-work all of them to appease your stakeholders. You feel a twitch in your right hand. A slap? Perhaps. But then you recall that Penny once teared during your presentation .. when you showcased your monthly dashboard with that unholy Comic Sans font. Meh .. you’re not some alleyway monster.

And then there’s Robin. A loyalist pescatarian who microwaves fish in the pantry every two days. Robin who says “Let’s circle back” with funeral gravitas. Robin who once replied-all to the company wide ‘Lets remember Mental health day’ email with “Thanks.” If ever a man deserved a ceremonial slap, it was Robin. What? Don’t be coy, you thought it, I thought of it, we all agreed in our heads. But Robin also has a collection of novelty socks and every night as we burn the midnight oil for those ‘Need-it-now-poc-ppt’s’, his ready-to-go uplifting jokes with laughter that may be mistaken for a deflating balloon, somehow, that makes him less endearing. Plus he’d order samosas and chai, wearing that heart of gold on his sleeve.

Come to think of it, they are not perfect. In fact, I’m not. No one is. There’s no such thing as a perfect Coworker.

Mmm .. so, What does one really do on ‘World Slap Your Coworker Day’?

One fantasizes. One chuckles. One perhaps starts to write a strongly worded Teams message and then deletes it. But one does not slap. Because, dear friends, we are professionals. We are paragons of corporate virtue. We have KPIs and quarterly check-ins and hopes of promotion.

To slap is to surrender to chaos. To not slap is to rise above it, like a souffle in a storm.

So let us celebrate this day with our wits about us, a little whimsiness in the air, and that well timed passive email. Let us remember that Restraint .. is the true mark of a civilized Working man. And let us never forget, that coworker you visually to slap today .. may be the one who stands up for you in another life.

Happy World Slap Your Coworker Day. Mark it on your calendar. So, you can observe this day of resilience. Of remembering those you despise, but your brave soul chose to forgive.

Smile as you overcome what everyone feels.

Aude Humanus Esse.

May your hands remain idle from violence, and your sarcasm sharp as ever.